I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
You Might Also Like
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*