[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
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made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.