Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
You Might Also Like
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.