“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
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To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
Wise advice
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Me recordaron éste meme
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.