[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
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The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
Go hard or stay average
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .