The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
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Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
hmm conte-me mais
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal