Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
You Might Also Like
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.