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You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
First day as a 911 operator:
鈥渨hoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
At least my masseuse has my back.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 馃し
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn鈥檛 wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I鈥檓 just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you鈥檙e invited to the cookout.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?