SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
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If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
worst…sale…ever
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What