My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
This guy’s not having it 😆
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
me, after any kind of buffet.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*