Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
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doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
This is my pinned tweet
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.