Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
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I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…