[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
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Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
Breaking news:
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity