[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
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Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.