“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
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I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze