Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
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Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
This fish is cracking me up
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
wtf is a larm clock?
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?