“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
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[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say