before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
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Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.