Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
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[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me