The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
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Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
#gardening
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.