It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
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Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
My flabber has been gasted.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.