I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
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Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
I hate my earbuds.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
Oh boy, $150,000!
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.