I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
You Might Also Like
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes