There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
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Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”