I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
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When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Buying a well is money well spent.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier