Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
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can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
I only look at Wordle for the articles
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over