LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
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Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁