I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
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*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
how to have fun when you’re poor
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
okay run it by me one more time
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”