As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
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Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.