Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
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I am also baked goods
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?