They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
You Might Also Like
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’