Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
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Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
These are too funny not to post 😂
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
Breaking news:
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.