“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
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Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners