*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
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I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.