Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
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My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
the greatest twitter interaction
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f