Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
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Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
not seeing the problem
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan