“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
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Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.