My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
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Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.