[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
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I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that