If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
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Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.