[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
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[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
Sharon, call the vet
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.