When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
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OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
good work, everybody
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail