I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
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If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
OMG 🤣🤣
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
How to wake up a Beagle
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice