If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
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cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
reminder
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
I’m listening
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.