I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
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*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Oh hi lol