[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
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The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅