What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
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reduce, reuse, recycle
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper