Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
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[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.