*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
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what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
(True)
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things