Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
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I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Autocannibalism is self-serving.